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About AudioEnz |
And a cast of thousands
Shrink the wallet and swell the ego
By Darren Knight
September 2000
The
Toss 1000 loudspeaker, (or Tossie Thou, as it is more lovingly known) is
the latest aural offering from British audio giant, Evasoclevah.Readers will already be familiar with the “Clevah Trousers”
range of amplifiers from this manufacturer, all of which sound like the
very bowels of Hell, but come with a comprehensive 800-page manual detailing
how spending $6000 on a bollocky piece of rot with no knobs, lights, or
known use, will make you the most clever, and popular, man alive. Personal
hygiene standards aside.
“After all,” as the manual concludes, “So much patronising.
So little time.” But I digress.
The Toss 1000 is constructed from the usual dazzling collection of amalgams,
polymers, and quasars, plucked from the periodic table, and some of that
cool stuff Arnold’s foe was made of in Terminator 2.
The manual explains all this in enough loving detail to keep even the
most be-dandruffed quantum mechanic up at night toying with the bunsen
burner.
Evasoclevah are to be commended on their attempt to cater to the needs
of the nineties audio enthusiast in today’s global, tribal, run around
the village waving bits of rain forest between the cheeks of your dolphin-adoring
bottom, political climate, by releasing all their new products in a range
of user-friendly options.
The Tossies are even available in the “Love, peace, and mung beans”
model, which features a tie-dyed front grill, and plays only Cat Stevens.
Far out man.
I chose to try the soft, fluffy cabinet, model. Now you don’t have
to hesitate before giving the stereo a bit of hot lovin' when the mood
is right and the lights are low.
As recommended, I removed several key walls from my lovingly restored
bungalow with plastique, and suspended exactly twenty seven orbital sanders
from the living room ceiling whilst scattering party glitter strategically
about the room for that optimum listening environment.
With my hair newly styled in an interesting buffont, selected from several nifty hair-dos that have been adopted to take the hi-fi industry into the twenty-first century, I became the “Sonic Gladiator” - a brooding juggernaut of pace, rhythm and trying to show off, Nietzsche’s Ubermensch, defender of all things expensive and idiosyncratic.
And I wore my favourite corduroys.
Ready to rock? Ready to roll? Ready to take off your dungarees and roll
around in the sandpit naked? Let’s go listening!
Obviously, the Toss 1000 loudspeakers are designed with the true, hard-core,
“Go on love, you know you want to see my pre-amp”, audiophile
in mind, and the first offering to my CD player had to be the Francescan
Kettle Drum Quartet’s rendition of Ivor Pulpudsky’s Opus in
E Trichlodiddlion Minor, recorded in a lost Baroque church in the Atlantis
Town Hall at 11:15 am Saturday the 4th of November, 27 AD.
And very delicious it was too! The superlatives, cliches, and melodramatic
metaphors fair dripped, honey-like, from my biro.
Bass response was a joy. Cuddling these fluffy lavender babies had my
pelvis thrumming in low frequency heaven. Such was the precision, that
at one particularly orgasmic peak, I am quite sure I heard one of the
kettle-drumming friars gently humming 'You make me feel like a natural
woman'.
I could be mistaken.
Higher frequencies are handled by the higher frequency handling thingy,
which did a simply tremendous job of making the higher frequencies sound
really quite high.
Yes, they were high. Nearly as high as the highest, high thing on the
highest, high hill in the Highlands of Scotland. They were not low. No
they weren’t.
I have no recollection of life before the Toss 1000s. They are me. They
shine. They shimmy. They make me feel big and clever. And I must have
them.
Six squillion dollars seems a small price to pay for such a chance to
impress the world at large, and if anyone thinks the money would be better
spent on bringing my musical collection and tastes into the twentieth
century, they’ve got another think coming. Oh yes indeedy! (Incidentally,
the packaging is cleverly designed to fit snugly down the front of your
briefs to further impress the women folk.)
Really, it all comes back to the love of music, and essentially, anything
that has been heard by more than 15 individuals on the face of the planet,
is far too crass and commercial to be considered de rigueur by those of
us in the know, and I propose that everyone except myself and others who
refer to their stereo as “the hi-fi” be bludgeoned in their
beds.
Well, off to play petanque. Tarah!
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